


The Next I'm at Rock Bottom

by Gruzzle



Series: Forget the Ferris Wheel [1]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 06:51:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14587392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gruzzle/pseuds/Gruzzle
Summary: Just one way Blue could have revealed himself after the ferris wheel.Characterizations from the book with events from the movie (more or less).





	The Next I'm at Rock Bottom

I stagger off the ferris wheel, and I’m not sure how to feel. I'm tired and hungry and I have to use the restroom for sure. My friends crowd around me for a big hug. I tell them, “It’s cool. I said no pressure. Right? I'm okay. I’m good. Let’s get some deep fried oreos.” Sugar can solve so many problems. We battle the vendor to stay open one more second, but he’s already turned the frier off, so we all just get giant bags of delicious cotton candy and sit on the curb. The sugar just makes me more tired and I can tell everyone else is winding down too. No one is saying much. Abby and Nick are resting against each other with their eyes closed and their arms entwined and Leah is resting her head against my shoulder, but poking listlessly at her cell phone, probably making sure no one is posting ferris wheel memes on the Tumblr. I feel so lucky that they’ve stayed for me and it makes me feel warm inside.

I want a moment to myself to process everything, so the first chance I get I head to the restroom and it’s mercifully empty. I guess the ferris wheel gesture was dumb, I see that now. Blue isn’t big, romantic gesture guy, he’s careful and quiet, and definitely not ready. I feel like a moron. Worse, I feel like what I tried to do tonight was dangerously close to what Martin did to me. What was I thinking?

I am so, completely stupid. Shame spreads through me and pulls at my limbs and makes me feel heavy. I am so, so tired right now. I’m starting to feel the real weight of the roller coaster of emotions I’ve carried with me over the last few months. I turn on the cold water and run my face under it to shock some of emotions away. Numbness sets in over the fatigue, and it feels kind of comfortable. More than anything right now, I want to curl up with my emotional support dog, Bieber and go to sleep. I feel like I could sleep forever.

I hear the door open and close behind me and I close my eyes under the water. I don’t have the energy for people right now, not even strangers. I’m kind of hoping my friends have gone to the parking lot, even if I know they haven’t.

The person behind me hasn’t moved. I turn around. It’s Bram. I assume he’s here to express sympathy, but he’s failed so far to ever express anything, and I’m not in the mood to carry the weight of this conversation. I nod a greeting and turn back to the mirror. I just want him to go away.

“Listen - Simon - uh, I just want to say ...I'm sor-…I”

I close my eyes, I can’t right now. I turn back to him. 

I lash out a little bit. “Bram, I just- I came in here to be alone.” It comes out angrier than I anticipate, and I feel bad, but I’ll deal with it later.

He starts and his face flushes. A couple of hours ago, I probably would have thought it was kind of adorable. I feel bad suddenly. He doesn’t move. “Um, I know, but I’ve been waiting… you don’t have to talk. Just listen. There’s something you need to know...”

This is, I swear, the most words I’ve ever heard him say at a time, maybe the most words I’ve ever heard him say in total at all ever. Suddenly I wonder if he knows something about Blue. I look back at him, suddenly more interested.

He looks away when I look up. He stares at the the floor as if he is trying to avoid my eyes. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this here - in the bathroom. It’s kind of … “ he shrugs, “revolting.” He inhales uncertainly, and looks right at me. “I know you’ve had a rough night, and you’re probably tired, but can we just go talk for a minute… anywhere else?”

Suddenly I’m wide awake. I KNOW. Maybe it’s the use of the word “revolting” or maybe it’s just the fact that Bram is actually talking. Maybe it’s the way he’s actually looking at me. At me. It’s like Bram suddenly snapped from a blurry image into sharp focus. I can hear my heart beating now and it almost feels like I can hear his too. Suddenly I’m the one that’s tongue-tied. I don’t know what to say or do, but whatever happens next, he’s right, it sure as hell can’t be here in this shitty restroom.

I worry about my friends seeing us together, because I’m not sure Bram wants that yet, but they’ve disappeared. 

“Did you see Nick and Abby and Leah out here? I should probably tell them ...” something, I don’t know what to tell them and that makes me feel more awkward.

His lips curl sweetly and wow, we need to get out of this bathroom, because I am not having my first kiss in here. “Garrett… provided a distraction,” he says vaguely.

We walk in silence back to the ferris wheel. It’s off, and the carnival is mostly empty now. Everyone is gone except a few cleaning staff. The air is dark and silent. My senses are on overload. It’s almost like I can hear every move he makes as he walks next to me - the sound of his shirt moving as he breathes, the swing of his joints as he walks. I can even hear the heat radiating off his body. I lean against the gate and turn to face him. He stands in front of me. His curls pull gently in the breeze, and I study his face. I am torn between ripping his clothes off and punching him the face. My skin feels tight.

“It was you.” I say.

“I’m sorry,” he says again, softly. 

I laugh a little. “Please no, don’t be sorry. You’re… perfect. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done… you’re the hottest... it this way. I’m a stupid, hopeless romantic and there was just so much… I didn’t see....because...” I give up. There’s no more verbal in my brain. My heart kneads itself like putty pulling in so many directions. I shake my head

He smiles a little at that, “I know. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it your way. Not yet.” He smiles more, and his eyes seem to lose focus, “Wait, the hottest what?”

I start “Why didn’t you...?” but I don't know which question to finish with. There are so many. I can’t remember which question to finish with, because suddenly his face is leaning toward mine. My insides liquefy as our lips meet, soft at first, and then all those months of frustration and need pouring into it. My body is on fire, I want to take everything from him that I have been wanting, but he pulls away. My desire can’t stop itself from making a disappointed sound.

Bram rests his forehead against mine. "Can we talk first? Not that that wasn't amazing, not that I don't want more of that, but I'm kind of..." he sighs and pulls his head way, "...upset and I think you may be too. Right now I need to get home. I'll see you tomorrow at school."

He squeezes my hand and heads back to the parking lot.

**Author's Note:**

> I hate the ferris wheel scene. It's out of character for both Simon and Bram, so I'm just riffing through different endings to get it off my chest.
> 
> I borrow from both canons even though I'm tweaking the movie. 
> 
> This is super-beta, I've never publicly posted any fiction in my life and I don't have a test audience, so I'm open to suggestions. Please feel free to point out any errors.


End file.
